‘The Booze Shoes’

Johnnie Walker has conspired with fashionable shoemaker Oliver Sweeney to create a hideous pair of Oxford brogues, BUT these are no ordinary hideous pair of Oxford brogues…

Both allow you to slip miniature bottles of Johnnie Walker whisky (or indeed any other suitably sized bottle) into the heels of the shoes, opening up a new realm of illicit smuggling activities. Although not allowing you to become a particularly successful whisky trafficker nor save the Hamptons from another booze crisis, you can now at least provide for yourself at all times.

It is widely acknowledged that some social functions are so unbearable that only alcohol will see you through. Enter the humble hipflask which Benedict Cumberbatch had to resort to during the mind-numbing clap-fest that is the Academy Awards ceremony.

Unfortunately, there are some social situations where the organisers are so determined you will be miserable that they will confiscate such small mercies from you either upon entry or as soon as you try and take a relieving swig.

Fortunately though, you can now breeze through security safe in the knowledge that booze is hidden on your person in the one place no one will look – the heels of your shoes.

There are a two problems though. Despite being a nifty sounding, Bond-esque device, the sad truth is that as you sweat through the heavy-handed frisking hoping no one notices your hidden packages, (which as you can see in the image above are atrociously “hidden” let’s be honest) you will feel more like a would-be shoe-bomber than a debonair super spy.

And secondly, you will have to wear shoes that look like this:

Hideous and indeed cruel to either give them as a present or inflict them on an unsuspecting public.

The only good thing to come out of this discovery is that it has reminded me of this very funny Steve Martin skit from his early days, “The Cruel Shoes”.